Twilight: A Reflection of My Evolution from Team Edward to Team Jacob

Written by: Kally Doyle

I’ve always been a Twilight fan…from the publishing of the very first book to the premiere of each movie. I never missed a single premiere showing. In fact, I even waited in very long lines with my best friend and our homemade “Team Edward” t-shirts each time. Yes, I realize in disclosing this I may have turned you away from seeking therapy with me…haha.

In re-re-re-re-watching the Twilight movies this weekend, I actually had a significant epiphany that has caused me to recognize two things: 1) my own growth and healing and 2) the things we teach young women (and young people in general, honestly) about love are not just false, they’re harmful.

For context, I used to be a die-hard Team Edward fan. You could not convince me that Jacob was better for Bella. In fact, there were definitely times throughout my fandom where I thought Jacob was a jerk and could not even fathom why he was a serious option for Bella. I, like many teenage girls, was obsessed with the notion of all-consuming love that brought highs like a drug and lows so far down you could feel the pain vibrate throughout your whole body. For so long I believed Jacob could only ever be a stand-in for Bella, and Edward was the epitome of love and forever.

I will assume at this point if you have chosen to continue reading that you must be a Twilight fan, or that you are at least familiar with the storyline and the great divide between Edward and Jacob. Perhaps if you are/were a “Team Edward” person, you shared similar sentiments about Bella and Edward together.

It is now, in my late twenties, that I have come to realize just how wrong I was. I now fully endorse Team Jacob and I actually feel some level of disgust for having been an Edward fan. Allow me to explain…

What is love?

Love, as I now understand it, is not simply a feeling. It is instead a verb…an action…that one chooses to do day after day, struggle after struggle, happy moment after happy moment. Love is not that warm fuzzy feeling of passion in which every time you see one another you swoon and your heart skips a beat. Love is devotion…commitment…growth that occurs together as well as for oneself…it is healthy boundaries…it is compromise…it is respect for the partnership as a unit and for each individual on their own…it is direct communication, even when it hurts your pride. It is the action of choosing to be emotionally available for yourself and for your partner. Love can be hard work, while simultaneously bringing fulfillment and joy. It takes time to learn to love your partner, and dedication to continue to learn how to love them as life continues to change in ways we never even imagined.

Love is not…

Love is not lust. Love is not power, nor is it control. It is not a constant feeling of passion. It is not restriction. It is not emotional nor physical abandonment. It is not lying; it is not manipulation. It is not abuse nor is it demeaning language or actions.

My Reflections

Love is a verb, as I stated previously. It cultivates an environment where one is free to grow independently while also treasuring and working to strengthen the connection between partners. In sitting with this lesson I have had to learn through several difficult relationships, I recognize why I have shifted my preference from Team Edward to Team Jacob. What Edward brings to Bella…it’s not love.

Especially in the first two books (or movies), Edward is emotionally unstable, controlling, possessive, and in the second book he actually abandons her. You can see how moody he is, and in fact he even gaslights Bella in the scene where he saves her from being crushed by the van her classmate Tyler was driving. He says something along the lines of “You don’t know what you saw; No one will ever believe you”. That is gaslighting, folks! She saw what happened, confronted him, and he not only denies her account- he goes so far as to say she hit her head and is mistaken and then tells her that no one will believe her. How did teenage Kally not see this?!

Before I answer that, I want to also address the abandonment piece as well. In New Moon, Edward decides to leave Bella because he believes it will be best for her. He does not consult with her on this, nor does he articulate his feelings. Instead, he leads her into the middle of the woods and tells her “I never loved you” and “I don’t want you” and then quite literally takes off and doesn’t return. This is emotional and physical abandonment! Bella is left confused, heartbroken, and emotionally unstable when he runs off. She actually ends up getting disoriented and lost within the woods because she is so upset and she is not found until her dad and Jacob find her hours later.

Now tell me, is that love? Most certainly it is not. When you love someone, you talk about issues and you leave space for their emotions as well as your own. Edward did neither of those things and he abandoned her at the drop of a hat. You can actually see Bella exhibit symptoms of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder following the abandonment (nightmares, sleep disturbances, depressed mood, anhedonia, impulsive and risky behaviors, avoidance, isolating herself from others, decreased interest in activities, impairment in her social functioning). And if you are wondering, yes you can develop PTSD from abusive relationships (emotional abuse included!).

Jacob, on the other hand, demonstrates action more consistent with what love really is. I am not saying he is a perfect representation, but he is overall pretty steady in the support and friendship he brings to Bella. He watches out for her while respecting her own choices. He allows her to be her own person and cultivates hobbies and respect for her over time. They communicate often and openly, and he proves to be a very reliable person in Bella’s life.

To me, Jacob symbolizes a more accurate and healthy representation of love. Reliable, steady, full of growth, does not rush the relationship, does not abandon the other person…it is definitely a shock to me that it has taken this long for me to realize this.

What is the relevance to therapy and healing?

In writing this article, part of me finds it humorous that I have decided to write about Twilight on my therapy blog. The other part of me brings a huge message that goes beyond just Team Edward or Team Jacob.

It is in my reflection that I have realized I feel sad in having ever passionately endorsed a character who was so clearly toxic, and at times abusive to his partner. I feel sad because I realize that my choice in endorsement was heavily influenced by the messages so many of us are taught about love and relationships as children. As a child, I never received guidance or education on a healthy relationship, how to communicate about my feelings, or how to recognize emotional abuse or neglect. It is because of this that I had the unfortunate relational experiences that I did throughout my young adult life. Perhaps if I had been taught how to recognize warning signs in others and had been supported through relational learning experiences (such as break ups, etc.), I could have learned to prioritize healthy dating matches earlier on in my life.

I wonder if those of you who love Twilight and are reading this can identify with the reflections and personal experiences I have shared here. If you struggle with knowing what a healthy relationship should look like and feel like, know you are not alone. Know that there are societal influences that have contributed to this issue. Finally, please know that it is entirely possible to work through this, to become the romantic partner you have always wanted to be, and to find a partner who brings you security, safety, trust, and love. Therapy is a wonderful avenue through which you can begin this journey.

Thank you for reading my musings on Twilight (lol) and I hope it was enlightening!