Why I Stopped Asking My Clients “How does that make you feel?”

Written by: Kally Doyle

If you have ever seen any portrayal of a therapist on TV, you have heard the question, “And how does that make you feel?”. In fact, if you are or have been attending your own therapy, I would bet most of you have been asked this question in sessions. This question is one of those that most, if not all, therapists are taught to ask clients from the very beginning of their therapist training days. If this question is so fundamental to the therapeutic process, why am I moving away from the use of this question in my own practice?

To be frank- I think it’s a bit of a bullshit question. Your client tells you about a very upsetting fight with their partner. You listen as they describe the yelling, the back-and-forth that occupied their whole evening, the tears that ensued. When they pause, you ask, “How does that make you feel?”

UGH!

Cringe. As a mental health professional, can you not deduce what they are likely feeling? Can you not perceive- can you not feel- the shame, fear, insecurity, and guilt this person has already described in their recount of this event?

That aside, because I do believe in asking questions that help clients increase their self-awareness and communication skills, let’s examine why this question might be problematic:

It’s a top-down processing question

Basically what this means is that this is a question that requires a client to think first in order to answer. If someone is discussing emotional material, and becoming emotional as they describe the experience, why are we asking them to think logically? This is incredibly difficult if you understand how the brain and nervous system function, and many times it may actually be near impossible for a person to answer when they are emotionally activated. The part of our brain that deals with logic is actually the newest part of our brain. This means, for many years, our ancestors survived without this part of their brains even existing. If something in our body is not necessary for survival (aka it’s not eating, sleeping, seeking safety, regulating heart rate, controlling breathing, regulating body temperature), the body is not going to bother pumping blood and using energy for that organ or muscle or action. Essentially what I am saying is that the logical part of the brain goes “offline” when emotionally activated- it is inaccessible.

So if we know that logic is not accessible, why are we asking our clients to answer logic-based questions in sessions?

This is often why, as the client, you may find yourself struggling to answer questions while activated in sessions, or you may notice increased fidgeting, anxious energy, or urges to discontinue therapy. For therapists, this is why you may notice when you ask this question (“how does that make you feel?”) or ones similar to it, you get push back from the client, or them repeating “I don’t know”. If you ask this question too much, you may find the client actually drops out of therapy altogether because they begin to interpret their struggle to answer this question as a sign therapy is not working or that something is inherently wrong with them since they are unable to answer.

Solution

If top-down processing is the issue, this means bottom-up processing is where the solution lies. Instead of asking clients how they feel, ask them to pause and notice what sensations are occurring for them right now.

Sensations and emotions are different. Emotion actually involves interpretation and finding meaning within something, which are both logical processes. We don’t first feel emotions; we first feel sensations in the body. A sensation can be heat, coldness, numbness, buzzing, throbbing, fidgeting, antsy, hollow, spacey, and more. Think of them as automatic, unconscious bodily reactions to cues from our environment. Due to trauma, toxic stress, or other factors in our life we are often trained to ignore or dismiss the sensations our body produces. A sensation occurs without thought, feeling, or meaning. The body registers our environment and stimuli before our mind does. It is after the body produces a sensational reaction that we begin to make meaning behind what just happened- and assign an emotion to it.

It will take practice for you to begin to live more presently within your body and be able to recognize and name sensations. That is okay. As therapists, we should also learn to be attuned to our clients’ bodily reactions in order to help them learn to be more in tune with themselves. For example, noticing a client’s fingers tapping and asking them to draw attention to this is a way in which we can facilitate this.

It is a lot easier to tap into body sensations when upset, then it is to answer questions that require thinking and a shifting of energy away from the body and towards the brain. When you, as the therapist, ask your client to draw attention to a particular movement you notice them engaging in, they can allow that bodily energy to be naturally expressed and let go of, versus trying to stifle and ignore that energy and meet you cognitively. Working from the very basic, oldest bodily functions (heart rate, breathing, movement, temperature, etc.) in order to process an experience is bottom-up processing. After a while, you may be able to ask your client more cognitive, logic-based questions, but first you need to help their body express what it has been holding in. This will help regulate the client as well, as they eventually become more in tune with their physiological needs and learn that they can tolerate more difficult experiences and emotions.

If this all sounds familiar, it stems from the basic principles of a type of therapy and healing called “somatic experiencing”. SE believes trapped energy from traumatic experiences and toxic stress deserves to be acknowledged and expressed safely in order for someone to truly heal. As I continue my professional and personal development as a therapist, I continue to find more and more value in this approach. This approach helped me identify what I have been experiencing all along in regards to the question, “How does that make you feel?”. As a client and a clinician I have felt a pit in my stomach and a tensing of my shoulders when being asked this question or when asking someone this question. This basic principle of SE has helped me understand there is a valid reason for this sensation I have felt and improve my connection to my true self and to my clients.

To wrap this up, I hope you can begin to see why asking “How does that make you feel?” can be counterproductive, unhelpful, and dysregulating for someone who is emotionally activated. If you are a therapist reading this, I hope this argument contributes to self-reflection surrounding what you ask clients and how/when you ask it. If you are a client reading this, I hope this provides some education and also some comfort as to why this question may feel triggering, difficult or impossible to answer, or may not feel helpful in therapy. For anyone reading this blog post, I hope this invokes curiosity and respect for our bodies and all they do to protect us. Let’s not forget to include them in our healing process.