5 Signs You May Have Relational Trauma from Childhood
Written by: Kally Doyle
If you’ve stumbled across my website, or you have begun to look for therapist to help you process some things and cope healthier, then odds are you are familiar with the concept of trauma. You likely understand that people who have trauma are those who have lived through terrifying experiences like abuse, combat, fires, accidents, and sexual assaults- but are you aware that trauma also comes from the lack of emotional safety and care?
Trauma that develops as a result of emotional neglect is just as valid as any other type of trauma, including those mentioned above. We as a society are beginning to talk about this type of trauma, but there is a lot more research, education, and awareness needed. Emotional neglect in childhood can result in a type of trauma known as “relational trauma”. Other names for this type of trauma can also include “attachment trauma” and “complex trauma”. I will refer to it as relational trauma in this post, but I have included the other names so that you are aware of them as well.
Relational trauma can be tricky to identify for ourselves. Too many times I hear from new clients, “I don’t think I really have a trauma history”, only for prolonged patterns of emotional neglect, abuse, and manipulation to begin to surface in their telling of their childhood. As I said, if you have come this far as to be reading this article, you are already interested in deepening your own self awareness. Perhaps you aren’t quite sure if this post about “relational trauma” even applies to you. Below are five signs you may actually have relational trauma; I encourage you to read them and see if they feel applicable to any part of your life history. If they do, please know a therapist can help support you through this process of self discovery and they can help you work through the mental health symptoms that you are searching relief from.
#1 : It is hard for you to recall stories from your childhood in which you felt happy.
Take a moment to see how many happy memories from your childhood you are able to identify. Are there a lot that immediately come to mind? Or do you find yourself struggling to concretely name happy times? Additionally, is it easier to name happy memories with one parent over the other? These questions can help you identify whether emotional fulfillment and security was present in your childhood. Even if you had your physical needs met- like meals to eat, a steady living environment, involvement in sports- you may find yourself struggling with these questions. A parent can adequately meet our physical needs while simultaneously failing to attend enough to our emotional needs.
#2 : You have told others about memories from childhood and you have received feedback that your parents did not seem to handle things well.
If you have ever told a friend or a partner about a situation from childhood, in which maybe you felt disappointed by a parent or maybe you were telling the story to be funny, and the other person’s response seemed sympathetic, concerned, or they outright have said something similar to “wow, I can’t believe that happened to you”…you may have some relational trauma you are unaware of. Our defenses can make it difficult for us to label things as being traumatic, and I often see this arise in clients when they first begin therapy (and this happened for me at the beginning of my own therapy journey- part of being human!). Remember, trauma refers to anything that creates a feeling of insecurity and a lack of safety and emotional safety is just as important as physical safety (if not more!).
#3 : You have a strained relationship with one or both of your parents.
If you find yourself struggling to tolerate a parent, establish or maintain boundaries with them, or they flat-out irritate you, you may have relational trauma stemming from that parent or their behaviors. I recommend taking some time to try and identify where these feelings of dislike, irritation, or anger originated from with this parent. Do they seem to consistently try and put their problems onto you without hearing yours? Do they disrespect your individuality or your boundaries despite multiple allowances for them to correct this? A strained relationship did not develop out of nowhere.
#4 : Your parent(s) were very controlling growing up.
If your parent or parents were over-involved in your childhood, meaning they were intrusive and overwhelming (examples may include: reading your diary, going through your phone repeatedly, snooping through your room, controlling what music/movies you listened to or watched, would not allow you to express any opinion that differentiated from their own), you may have relational trauma. By definition, relational trauma develops when there is a lack of safety and emotional needs are consistently ignored and not met. A controlling parent appears to care about your feelings a lot- but actually they are only valuing their own and what they can emotionally receive from their relationship with you.
#5 : Your parent was absent or emotionally unavailable.
This is a bit of a blanket statement, but if you had a parent who was physically absent, or who was still around but you cannot recall times where you felt emotionally validated and supported by them, relational trauma may be present. A parent does not have to be physically absent to be emotionally unavailable. There are many reasons a parent may have been emotionally unavailable for you, including having their own mental health issues, being physically ill, being overly-focused on their own wants and needs, having a substance abuse problem, over-focusing on one of your siblings, and more. Please know that even if you had a parent who seemed to have “bigger fish to fry” than tending to you, this does not diminish the importance of your emotional needs and you are still allowed to feel angry or otherwise affected by this.
There are other indicators that you may have some relational trauma due to childhood experiences or parent issues, and this article is not an exhaustive list by any means. I highly recommend seeking out personal therapy with a therapist who identifies as being “attachment-focused”, “relational”, “psychodynamic”, and “trauma-focused”, as these professionals should have received specialized training that can help you work through the effects of relational trauma. Additionally, I recommend the following book:
It is a good read that can help you identify further signs and effects of relational trauma. Please note, this is an affiliate link- I make a very small amount if you purchase the book from my link. I only recommend books I have read and found helpful and informative myself!
