Managing Stress & Trauma Responses During the Holidays

As I check today’s date, I cannot believe it is already November- this year has flown by! I still feel like Halloween has not passed. But here we are- in the midst of the holiday season. Maybe some of you already have your Christmas trees up- and some of you belong to the group that believes strongly against Christmas decor and music until after Thanksgiving. Some of my readers may not even celebrate Christmas. Regardless of your beliefs and holiday traditions, I do think in the United States as a whole there is a “holly, jolly” attitude that is strongly promoted this time of year, often through cheesy (but awesome, in my personal opinion) Christmas movies, Mariah Carey classics, and of course Michael Bublé re-emerging to popularity for these few months.

But what about those of us who have primarily negative experiences, thoughts, feelings, and memories associated with this time of year? Those of us who have trauma in our past that occurred during the holiday season, or trauma given to us by family members we have to see during this time? Are we expected to “forget about it; leave it in the past” and force a smile and participate in family holiday traditions?

As much as I personally love Christmas time, I recognize it is not so joyous for many of my clients. This is not to say that in my own personal history, I cannot relate to the feelings of dread, guilt, and shame that have arisen from betrayal trauma in my life- I most certainly can, and do. However, I have found ways to work with these feelings while honoring my own needs and being able to create the capacity for new holiday memories and traditions.

I say all of that to provide a segway into managing trauma responses and other unpleasant feelings that come up for many of us during this time of the year. There is no single right way to manage or navigate these feelings and traumas, but I’d like to provide some suggestions and considerations that may help get the wheels turning and may help you restructure or reframe some things during the holiday season.

First and foremost, I would like to take a moment to not only recognize the validity behind the dread, fear, guilt, shame, depression, and anxiety you may feel around Thanksgiving and Christmas, but to also normalize this experience. Enrollment in therapy typically tends to surge after the holiday season ends, for a few reasons: 1) the holidays are filled with hope and cheer and it can be hard to “come back to reality” for some and 2) visits with various family members can reignite past unresolved feelings of lack of safety, feeling betrayed or hurt, feeling misunderstood, feeling unaccepted or unloved, feeling criticized, judged, or controlled, and much more. Sometimes we feel forced or are forced to see certain family members during holiday reunions, when these family members are the very ones responsible for our childhood trauma. Unfortunately, I think many of us can relate to some aspect of the aforementioned. The pressure for holidays to be a happy time filled with love and family can seem to compound the trauma we have already endured as a result of our family system or events in our upbringing. Please know you are not alone in feeling resentment or dread this time of year. It does not say anything bad about you as a person or as a daughter, sibling, etc. that you feel this way. These feelings are coming up for a reason, and I am sure if we had the power to turn off the “bad” feelings and just focus on being merry and bright, we would do so. Recognize that you are human, your feelings and your experiences are complex, and we cannot control everything. This time of the year may bring us more stress and depression. That is okay.

Now, that does not mean you are stuck with these feelings and that if you have them, you are shit-out-of-luck. Thus far, I have merely wanted to point out that these feelings deserve to be recognized and it is okay to not love the holidays.

Some of us may notice that on top of not enjoying the holiday season, and feeling more stressed as a result of it, we also are having an uptick in our trauma responses. Common trauma responses may include, but are not limited to: people-pleasing, “checking out” or dissociating/ feeling disconnected from those around you or from society as a whole during this time, feeling more agitated and on edge during the holiday season, having perfectionistic and obsessive tendencies, struggling to engage socially and isolating ourselves more often, intrusive memories and thoughts, and trouble sleeping. Perhaps we have been working hard to recognize and manage these trauma responses throughout the year, but notice they seem to be more frequent and harder to work through during the holiday season. This actually makes a lot of sense, especially if your original trauma (including betrayals, attachment trauma and parent issues, sexual assault, abandonment, & poverty trauma, just to name a few examples) occurred around this time of year, was directly related to a holiday, or was caused by someone you have to see or speak to during the holidays.

My suggestion is to not only continue with the techniques you have been using to encourage strong mental health, but to also cut yourself some slack. Take a moment, or many moments, to honor what that child inside of you felt so many years ago, and how it is natural to still feel affected by those experiences. If your trauma occurred as an adult, I encourage you to still do the same- that inner child lives within all of us, and they hold the raw feelings our adult defenses try so hard to cover up for us. Recognize that the abusive and toxic relationship you had to leave, or managed to escape from, has left some wounds and scars and that anyone who has experienced the same would also have those wounds. Practice extra self-compassion during this time of year. You are human; you have pain, trauma, loss and grief, but also love, hope, and the capacity for healing all within you. Make sure you are creating space for all of that.

Secondly, I would suggest really working hard to set firm boundaries and committing to them. Often times around the holiday season we find our boundaries constantly being pulled and pushed and otherwise disrespected. Your mother-in-law insists you do Christmas at her house, when you haven’t seen your own mom at all this year. Your family pressures you to come to the reunion, when you want nothing more than be 1,000,000 miles away from there. Honoring your feelings and practicing self-compassion also requires you to evaluate what you are okay with doing this holiday season, and what you will not be okay with. Consider the following questions to help you decide your boundaries for the holidays:

1) How much money do I expect to spend, and on who?

2) In an ideal world, how would my holiday season go? Who would I see, who would I avoid, how often would I see these people, how much time would I spend with these people, how much time would I spend by myself or with my partner? What activities would I engage in, and which would I not engage in?

3) What is my priority for this holiday season?

4) What, or who, have I noticed triggers feelings of anxiety and depression during holiday seasons past? What/who triggers happiness and fulfillment?

5) What activities am I willing to compromise on with my partner or family, and which am I not?

Identifying your personal boundaries when it comes to your time, money, activities, and people before Thanksgiving and Christmas arrive will help you feel more prepared to communicate and take action when the time comes. If you find yourself consistently struggling with setting boundaries, or understanding your own boundaries, I highly suggest finding a licensed therapist to work with as there is likely an underlying reason boundary setting continues to feel challenging for you.

Lastly, I would like to suggest preemptively increasing your self-care. “Self-care” is a bit of a buzzword as of late, but it really speaks to making sure you remember you are a human being with many feelings and needs/wants, who exists outside of your identity as a boss, coworker, employee, parent, caretaker, and more. If you typically find that spending time with other people helps distract you, it may be wise to commit to a few extra social engagements as we move into the holiday season. Ensuring you stay on your medication regiment is also important, as extra obligations and responsibilities can contribute to us forgetting to take meds, which in turn only worsens our mood and symptoms for the holidays. Additionally, doing things such as taking extra PTO can help us focus more on ourselves, our families, or whatever else we would like to invest our time and energy into during these months.

Overall, I hope this helped add a little perspective for those of us who struggle with getting into the “holiday cheer” of November and December. Please remember to practice extra self-care and self-compassion, and also remember that these feelings will pass. Learning to set firm boundaries can help mitigate some of the stress and resentment that builds up around this time. Taking back your power over the holiday season is doable!