How to Choose the Right Therapist for You
Written by Kally Doyle
If you’re here, you’re likely either considering therapy for the first time, looking to switch therapists, or just curious about what the process of choosing a therapist would begin to look like. Kudos to you- and I mean it, therapy is no easy feat. It involves meeting a total stranger- often nowadays online- and being expected to bear your soul to them one 50-minute session at a time. Usually we have been let down by others in some way, shape, or form before meeting this new professional; some of us have even suffered physical or emotional abuse & neglect, sexual assault, or traumatic betrayal and loss. That being said, you may be wondering: Exactly how am I supposed to know I can trust this individual with their fancy headshot and nonsensical lettering behind their name, claiming proficiency in all sorts of therapy methods I have never even heard of?
Well, you’re certainly not alone in that thought. In fact, I’d say the honest answer to that question is- well- you won’t really know if you can trust them until you try. And even then, you will question their intentions towards you, their intelligence, their skillset…whether they are secretly just staring at the clock the whole time, etc. I know that’s not the most helpful answer. I aim to be honest with you, and although there is no way to know for certain about a therapist until there’s been some time working together, there are definitely some questions and considerations you can use to screen them in your initial appointment or consultation prior to receiving services. Let’s walk through a few.
1) Pay attention to the specialities they list or describe on their profile or website.
A therapist cannot be proficient in everything. We are not robots- in fact, far from it. Sometimes I think therapists can get carried away with how many areas they describe as ‘specialities’ on their sites. There is not a malicious intent behind this; in fact, many of us (therapists) just want to connect with you. However, I personally would dissuade you as the client from choosing a therapist solely on the basis that they claim to know 10 different therapy approaches and specialize in 20 different mental health conditions. It may seem comforting at first to read that someone really seems to know all the answers; however, in order to find someone who is really prepared to help you reach your potential in therapy I would recommend a professional who lists a handful of specialities and theories over someone who has rows and rows of them.
The follow-up point to this would be to choose a therapist who specializes in the issue(s) you are seeking help for. This may seem obvious, but we as therapists are not all equipped to handle the same issues as one another. Seeking help from a therapist who does not have a lot of experience with your particular situation or issue may inadvertently result in more harm than good. For example, if you have been struggling with what you may believe to be or know to be an abusive relationship, look for a therapist who describes relational difficulties, abusive relationships, emotional abuse, domestic violence, etc. as something they have interest and experience in working with. Now, a website may indicate a therapist has experience in an issue, but be sure to follow up about this when meeting with them for the first time.
2) Ask for a free consultation appointment before committing.
Many therapists will state on their websites or Psychology Today Profile pages that they offer free 15-20 minute consultation appointments. If you even think you may be interested in their services, I suggest you take them up on this offer. It is a great opportunity for them to sum up their services and what they can bring to the table in regards to your particular issues, as well as a chance for you to ask questions for clarity on their services, approach to therapy, fees, experience, and whatever else comes to mind. You won’t know immediately, of course, how the course of therapy is going to go with them but you can likely get a sense of how you may grow to feel towards them. Questions to ask yourself after the consultation appointment include: Do they seem to have the (insert qualities I am seeking such as:) warmth, assertiveness, experience, honesty, etc. I think I may need? Did they answer all of my questions adequately? Did they explain the next step(s)? Also, don’t hesitate to take some time to consider the decision of scheduling with them after the consultation- just because you had a consultation does not mean you have to choose them.
3) Allow for 3 sessions to see if it’s a match.
This is my recommendation. Some people say they know immediately if the therapist is the right choice for them; I say give it 3 sessions. Why? The first session will likely be more formal and structured as the therapist explains their boundaries, your rights, confidentiality, and you two discuss thumbnail versions of your issues and treatment goals. The second session will still feel just as awkward, maybe even more because the floor is open (depending on the style of therapy being provided) and you are beginning to share. By the end of the third session, I do believe there should start to be sort of a flow established, and while you two are definitely still getting to know each other, you should be able to get a sense of how the therapist communicates with you (are they respectful? do they cut you off? does it seem like a relationship is beginning to form?). Again, I want to reiterate that it’s likely not going to feel all warm and fuzzy inside by the end of session 3- in fact, you will likely still be feeling nervous, curious, reserved, etc.- but you should have a sense of how you two will work together.
Some final notes…
I would like to emphasize that many times, the first therapist we choose is not the best fit for us. This happens with psychiatrists and other providers too. I think often times people feel “stuck” with a particular therapist because it is their first time working with one, they waited forever on a waiting list to get in with one, or they assume their options are limited. I am going to tell you what I tell all of my clients- whether it’s with me, or a psychiatrist, or another therapist- you have the right to be selective! A therapist may be awesome, but just not awesome for you. That’s okay. I would, however, recommend addressing the perceived issue with them first before moving onto someone else because sometimes that very issue you find with them is also in the heart of issues you have or have had with others in your life. For example: take Linda. Linda goes to see her therapist for their third session together. Linda is beginning to get the sense that this therapist really isn’t listening to her and does not seem to catch her hints that she wants her therapist to act on. In reality, a few things may be happening. One, this therapist may truly be struggling to be present with Linda, and either does not notice this happening, is too afraid to address it, or does not care to address it (let’s hope this is not it!). Two, the therapist may actually be trying to show she cares about Linda by showing empathy, asking relevant questions, reflecting Linda’s feelings- but because Linda is so focused on the what the therapist isn’t doing, she feels rejected, ignored, and annoyed. If Linda were to drop the therapist, so be it, and there ends therapy, at least with that provider. However, let’s say Linda comes to the next session, or even stops in the middle of that session, and says, “Hey Therapist. Do you even care? I am really not sure. I really am not feeling understood right now.” (or some variation of this). What Linda may actually find is that her therapist has been responding, but maybe not in the way Linda needs in that moment. Furthermore, what Linda may realize is that this is actually a very familiar feeling for her- her boyfriend doesn’t understand her, her mom is totally lost, none of her friends truly seem to get it. By addressing this issue she has with her therapist, she has created a chance to stand up for herself, she allows an opportunity for the therapist to understand her better and correct the issue on her (the therapist) end, and Linda may eventually come to realize she does not really allow herself to be understood by others due to unhealthy communication patterns, etc. All of this new insight may have never been discovered had Linda simply dropped her therapist and never went back. Often times, our unconscious feelings left from past experiences and relationships play out in our therapy relationship, and tension or sadness, hurt, anger, etc. can be a key thing to explore with your therapist. You may not get that deep that fast in therapy, but just something to keep in mind as you progress in your healing process.
Additionally, I recognize that if you are seeking therapy through an agency or community mental health center, some of these points may not apply to you. Sometimes healthcare in our area is sparse and an agency with a limited number therapists and no free consultations is all we have available. Often times these agencies assign us to a therapist, not the other way around. That’s okay too. I still would recommend advocating for yourself by asking questions about the therapist’s approach, experience, etc.
Finally, look for a therapist in your budget. Therapy is often expensive, and not all therapists accept insurance for various reasons (I don’t!). Often times therapists will offer “sliding scale fees”, which are cheaper fees for individuals whose financial situation prevents them from being able to afford the therapist’s full fee. “Super bills” may be an option too; this is a form an out-of-network therapist can fill out and give to you for you to submit to your insurance company to see if you can get partial reimbursement for the fee (please note: a super bill does not guarantee any reimbursement. It will depend on your particular policy, company, etc.).
There are many routes for finding a therapist. You can sort through the Psychology Today Therapist Directory by different criteria, including insurance types they accept, if you’d prefer to find someone in-network. I would also recommend contacting therapists even if they are out-of-network to find out more information on their fees. You can also use telehealth subscription services such as Cerebral for access to therapy with a monthly fee. Calling your insurance company or checking on their website can provide you with a list of covered therapists in your area. Open Path Collective offers individuals without insurance (or without adequate mental health coverage through their insurance) to join for a one-time fee of $59 and after that you can receive therapy services at a discounted rate for life.
I hope this offers a few pointers on choosing the right therapist for you. Remember, overall your therapist should be someone who makes you feel heard and safe, helps you grow, challenges you appropriately, and is able to hold space for you. They are also someone who models appropriate, healthy boundaries which at times can include taking responsibility for ruptures in the therapeutic relationship. They should also help keep you on track and focused on your goals.
Good luck!
