What is Coping?
Written by Kally Doyle
Coping, or coping skills, self-care, coping mechanisms…you’ve likely heard some variation of the word before. But what does it really mean to ‘cope’?
I’d like to take a closer look at this word. If you’ve done therapy before, you’ve likely identified coping strategies with your therapist at some point in time. Maybe you were even given a list of suggested coping skills to try for yourself. But really- why is a ‘bubble bath’ an identified strategy and how the heck is that going to fix my depression?
The answer, as I see it, can be broken down a couple different ways. First we have to define what it means to cope. Personally, and professionally, my definition entails “a way or means by which an individual manages, navigates, or deals with stress or various other emotional states”. People have a variety of coping skills they use regularly, and sometimes they are not always healthy ones. Negative self-talk, isolation, alcohol or drug abuse, avoidance (of a feeling or a situation), and over-sleeping are a few that immediately come to mind as ‘unhealthy’. I think it’s important to note that we as human beings are wired to avoid discomfort. Another way to think of this is that finding a way around uncomfortable internal states often happens on an unconscious level for us. Sure, there are times where you may choose to smoke that cigarette after an argument with your partner, but do you choose to think “Why does everyone hate me?!” while you take that smoke break…or do you find those thoughts just pop up on their own?
Negative self-talk is one of the more insidious and sneaky unhealthy coping strategies we may possess. It creeps in after you fumble for change in front of the cashier at the grocery store, or you tell the waiter “you too” when he tells you to enjoy your dinner. I would say it is both a thinking error and a way to cope with discomfort. It is important to ask ourselves, “what is this habit doing for me?” when examining ways of coping in our lives. Sometimes you may know the answer to that question- “This cigarette helps me calm down and think clearer” and sometimes you may not, such as in the case with negative self-talk. That’s why it’s important to find a therapist to work with, and not just rely on internet articles or self-help books…but I digress.
I have provided some examples of unhealthy coping skills. So what about healthy? If you take a look at your life, and pause to identify how you tend to “deal with” emotions or situations in your life, you will likely find you are doing a thing or two right already. Do you regularly weight-lift at the gym? Do you call your best friend to vent about your annoying co-worker? Are you aware of what foods you do and do not put into your body on a regular basis? If you do any of these, or anything of the like, you are using healthy coping! In other words, you are engaging in activities or responding in ways that are kind, and good for, your soul, your body, and your mind.
Sometimes I internally cringe, even as a therapist, at the words ‘coping skills’. After some reflection, I have found that my recoil seems to come from the surface-level presentation they are often given. In reality, coping is a lot more important than simply taking that bubble bath. It has more depth and impact than that- it needs to be something that is done with intention and routine. Taking that bubble bath once isn’t going to do much for you in the long run. Identifying why you’ve struggled for so long to regularly incorporate solo relaxation time for yourself will. And then, of course, following it with action is the second piece. If you don’t understand why your therapist suggested an activity, or why a certain activity seems to make you feel better or worse, you’re likely not going to change much in your life.
A quick web search can provide you with lists of coping strategies you may want to consider incorporating. Remember, coping isn’t just doing an activity for the sake of doing it, it’s doing it because the underlying message is to help you learn how to manage difficult emotions consistently, which in turn teaches you how to show yourself love, compassion, patience- many of the things we lack or disregard for ourselves.
Furthermore, if you are struggling to identify healthy coping skills you use, or if there aren’t any you find yourself using on a routine basis, speak with your therapist about this. There’s a reason why you’re not using them- and no, it’s not just a simple as not being able to carve out 30 minutes for a bath.
I hope this gets the wheels turning and shines a little more light on the role of coping skills!
