Green Flags in a Relationship
Written by: Kally Doyle
We hear all the time- from friends, family members, and especially social media, about the “red flags” in relationships, aka things we should look out for or run from. But what about the green flags- the signs someone is healthy and valuable to our lives?
Here’s several that come to mind, that I encourage my clients to seek out and take note of:
They keep their promises and commitments
Ever known someone who bails last minute, be it a friend or romantic partner? It is an awful feeling to be on the receiving end of that bail out! You get all excited and have checked in (maybe even more than once) to ensure your plans are still on…then the day of, hour before, you get that frustrating cancellation text.
If you keep up your end of the bargain, don’t you deserve someone who does the same for you? Absolutely you do! Keeping their promises and commitments includes showing up at the time they said they would, following through with plans consistently, and having their words match their actions overall. If you’re in a romantic relationship, or even just taking a moment to reflect on your friendships right now, and you are able to confidently say “This person keeps their word and is reliable”, then that’s a beautiful green flag, my friend!
They feel emotionally safe
This is a broad category, but really what I am getting at is that this person holds space for your emotions and responds with care, empathy, and is trustworthy. They will be able to listen to how you feel, even if they disagree with you, and they care about making you feel heard and reaching a solution with you.
This also means they do not listen to your feelings and your experiences, and then go on to tell others without your knowledge or permission. You know that if you confide in this person, your business will stay within the relationship. Additionally, you also know that if you are to open up to this person, they will be able to respond in a way that is thoughtful, attentive, and relevant. They may not respond perfectly every time, but overall you are able to say you feel confident they care about you and what you have to say.
The effort in the relationship feels balanced
This means that overall you feel both yourself and the other person make about an equal amount of effort to maintain and build the relationship. In a balanced relationship, you won’t feel like you’re the only one who is asking to hang out, suggesting ideas for your plans, doing all the driving or spending all the money. You trust that any effort or resources you put into this relationship will be returned to you later on.
Their other relationships are healthy ones
No one has a perfect relationship. Maybe with their cat or dog, but that’s about it. Humans make mistakes, and everyone has flaws. This category does not imply the other person must have all perfect relationships with others around them. What it does intend to say is that this other party should be treating others with respect and kindness, should not gossip about anyone else’s business (if they are doing about others, they are doing it about you when you are not around!), and they should have people in their lives that know their own worth, live true to their values, and are generally supportive individuals.
We can’t help who our family members are, but we can choose who we keep close to us. If the person you are dating or are in a friendship with chooses to keep company that seem like decent human beings, this is a good thing. “Decent human beings” includes not only the aforementioned attributes, but also individuals who communicate respectfully, have firm and healthy boundaries, are respectful of others’ property and time, etc.
We tend to attract like-minded individuals with similar values and goals such as ourselves. Thus, if your partner or friend has good quality relationships with others, this often is a reflection that they are well-meaning and kind-hearted!
There is reciprocated trust
Whether the relationship is romantic or friendly, there should be trust in each other that boundaries will be honored, emotions and opinions will be heard and respected, and that there is space for both parties to be themselves. There will not be jealousy, or behaviors that attempt to control or limit the other person.
If you feel comfortable with expressing your true feelings, interests, beliefs, and personality with this individual, and they are genuine with you as well, this is a huge green flag. The point of forming connections is to feel supported and safe; connection with others also helps us regulate our own emotions (ever notice you feel less depressed or anxious after engaging in a social activity?), and it helps us develop empathy and healthy self-esteem. When your psychological health is good, aka you feel connected, supported, and are able to manage and regulate your emotions well, your physical health also improves. Since your body is under less stress when your mental health is being taken care of, your immune system is actually able to function better.
These are just a few green flags to keep an eye out for in your relationships. Additionally, I suggest paying attention to how you feel when with this person in general. Do you feel happy, supported, loved, valued, and respected? Or do you cringe internally at the things they often say, feel uncomfortable by the way they treat others, or otherwise feel uncertain about the relationship but can’t put your finger on it? Odds are, your intuition is able to judge a person’s character and fit for you- start trying to give it a listen!
