Introduction to Attachment Styles
Written by: Kally Doyle
Attachment is both a human need and something that begins from birth. Our attachment style, or the way we relate to other people, depends largely on how well our caregivers tended to our emotional and physical needs. They don’t need to be perfect; as 1) that doesn’t exist and 2) not having all of our needs met leads to the development of what we call “healthy frustration”. It is through this frustration we begin to learn life has challenges and we must learn to some self-sufficiency to get through life.
However, if the attachment between caregiver(s) and baby/child is somehow interrupted (parent walks out of child’s life, parent struggles with own mental health issues and is therefore unreliable or emotionally unavailable, parent passes away, parent is emotionally/physically abusive or neglectful, etc.), then the baby or child learns not to trust the caregiver and thus does not learn to trust others properly. If this goes unaddressed, the child will develop into an adult who experiences issues in their relationships with romantic partners, bosses and coworkers, friends, and others.
There are a few ways to classify attachment styles. The way I conceptualize attachment is in two overarching categories: Secure and Insecure.
A secure attachment style develops when a baby/child has its emotional and physical needs adequately met, i.e. mom feeds baby on time, holds baby when they are upset, actively engages with baby in play and communication, protects baby from danger, etc. As a child, the parent provides nurturance balanced with the opportunity to learn independence and express creativity. As an adolescent and a teenager, the parent provides appropriate discipline and modeling of boundaries, and grants independence and promotes healthy social relationships. These children typically grow up to view others as mostly good, respect others’ sense of independence even in relationships, are comfortable with emotional intimacy, seek out others appropriately for support and socialization, and overall feel confident in themselves and their relationships.
An insecure style can be broken down into a few sub categories: 1) Avoidant attachment, 2) Anxious attachment, and 3) Disorganized attachment. Insecure attachment styles develop when the caregivers of a baby/child fail to meet the emotional and/or physical needs of that child. This can look like a parent who is very inconsistent in behavior or support, an overly-attached parent who is inappropriately involved in a child’s life (we call this ‘enmeshment’), an emotionally unavailable parent, a physically absent parent, a parent who is working so much of the time that they have little to no time to be involved with the child, a parent who punishes the child for expressing emotions, a parent who consistently does not know how to soothe a child when they are emotional, etc. This child then indirectly learns to doubt their own emotional experiences, struggles to validate themselves when they have emotions, may end up with people-pleasing tendencies, struggle with being overly passive or aggressive in communication with others, learns that others are not safe nor reliable, and they may develop narcissistic tendencies to self-protect against real or imagined threats against others as an adult.
An anxious attachment style may look like: constantly checking in with the partner in a romantic relationship about status of relationship (“Are we okay?”; “Do you still care about me?”), following a partner to make sure they are going where they say they are going, feeling nervous, worried, and unable to focus when partner is not around, struggling to spend time apart from partner, and having codependent tendencies (needing to be in a relationship at all times, separation from partner is distressing).
An avoidant attachment style may look like: not wanting relationships, backing away from opportunities to have one, feeling suspicious of others and therefore often avoiding contact and spending time with them, feeling very uncomfortable in situations with emotional and/or physical intimacy, and not trusting that others will truly be there for them if they were to be vulnerable with them. Someone with an avoidant attachment style still feels emotions, and has emotional needs. They have just learned from early on that others are not likely to be able to help them feel safe or satisfy their emotional needs so they typically do not seek out relationships (or do not seek out reassurance and comfort from them) like someone with a secure or anxious attachment style might.
A disorganized attachment style feels very much like a lot of push-and-pull both within the individual as well as in their relationships with others. Individuals with this attachment style are fearful of others and of new situations. They also suffer from a lot of negative self-talk and poor self-esteem. Individuals with this attachment style often go to great lengths to avoid real or perceived rejection, and may leave a relationship when it begins to feel more serious in order to protect themselves from the possibility of being rejected. There is an inner conflict being experienced here, in which this person wants intimacy and connection with others, but very strongly fears that other people will reject, leave, shame, or otherwise hurt them.
The good news: If we have an insecure attachment style, we can learn to have a secure attachment style, even as an adult. It doesn’t happen overnight, but it’s definitely possible. It involves forming a relationship with someone who has a secure attachment and learning to reshape how we relate to others and the world around us. This safe person can be a therapist, trusted friend, romantic partner, or trusted family member.
If you find yourself identifying with any of the above traits under the insecure attachment styles, and are interested in seeking therapy to learn more and work towards having a secure attachment style, I recommend finding a therapist who operates from a relational or attachment-based therapeutic approach. You can ask your potential new therapist this directly (“Are you relational in your therapeutic approach?”). And remember- it’s never too late to start learning to relate to people better!
