Things Therapists Wish Their Clients Knew
Written by: Kally Doyle
So you’re thinking about going to therapy for the first time; or maybe you’ve been in therapy for a bit but are curious about what goes on in the mind of your therapist. Are they really listening? Are they silently judging me about going back to my ex again? Do they actually like me or is it an act?
Disclaimer: I can only answer according my own thoughts, feelings, and experiences as a therapist; however, I find many of us do share several core opinions in common. Also, I want to acknowledge for those of you who have had less than ideal (or downright horrible) experiences with therapists…there are definitely individuals who enter this field for the wrong reasons (read: manipulative, self-centered, or those who are trying to vicariously heal themselves) and those who are otherwise terrible at their job in general. It’s definitely not all of us, and we’d hope practicing therapy would be the last place those individuals would show up but unfortunately it does happen. This blog post pertains to the overall majority of us though; the type of professional I aspire to continue to be and the only type I associate myself with professionally.
Let’s dive in.
1) We care a lot. Like a lot a lot.
There are many things that go on “behind the curtains” in therapy that you as the client may not be aware of. Good therapists stay connected with others in the field in order to seek out supervision regarding how to best help you, as well as for gathering resources to share with you. We also keep in contact with each other in case you require a different style of therapy; this helps us find therapists to recommend to you who can better fit your needs if applicable. Additionally, we read a lot. To speak for myself, I am always reading some type of material (I subscribe to several different research databases) in order to ensure I am bringing the most up-to-date research to my clients. Many of us spend hundreds to thousands of dollars out of our own pockets for books and trainings each year. There are many types of certification programs and trainings offered, and we typically enroll in the ones we find most applicable to our clients and how we hope to improve as a practitioner.
Aside from research, reading, and consulting, we also think about our clients very often. Yes, you have likely randomly popped into your therapist’s mind outside of your session time together. We are human beings, we develop emotional connections and responses just like you do; when we laugh at your jokes, or sit with you as you are overcome by grief…we feel everything with you. Naturally when a person devotes so much emotional and physical energy and effort to another human being, some level of fondness and attachment does develop. The difference for us as therapists versus others in your everyday life is that we must always be mindful of maintaining healthy boundaries. Therapy is about you, and your growth. One of my favorite sayings that comes to mind right now is “Care, don’t carry”. A grad school professor in my counseling program taught me that; it serves as a gentle reminder that we can and will care about our clients, we just need to make sure we aren’t making their issues our own. Having appropriate emotional boundaries like this helps us serve you first, and remain present and objective in the therapy session.
2) Your therapist is not judging you.
We definitely feel human emotions with our clients; i.e. we may feel annoyed, skeptical, or frustrated at points throughout session but that is very different from judging you. Even if you tell me you’ve gotten back with your ex for the 10th time. Honestly, more often than not, we have been there ourselves and can understand why you’d choose to do something. So no, a good therapist does not judge you- and if they experience a judgment automatically for some reason, they seek supervision from another professional and usually it’s a result of the therapist’s own stuff being triggered (we are human after all!). A good therapist is always working to recognize how their own biases and past experiences can come out in different situations with clients and they will work through that in order to best serve you.
3) Please do not hide that you are feeling suicidal from us.
Though I do truly understand the hesitation about telling a therapist this. I understand why you would be scared or wary-especially if you have been Baker Acted (involuntarily hospitalized due to wanting to hurt yourself or others) before. In my practice, I address this concern in the very first session I have with clients. I recognize that I hold power in being able to involuntarily commit a client if I deem it clinically necessary. I also recognize often times law enforcement has to be the ones to provide the transportation to the hospital (as much as I strongly dislike this) and that many of you have had negative experiences with police. In my first session with clients, I address this and inform the client that if a situation were to arise in which they feel unsafe, or I feel they may be unsafe, we will collaborate on a plan together so that they are aware of which steps will be happening and in what order.
That being said, I want to acknowledge many people who struggle with wishing they were dead experience this thought often but do not carry the intention of acting on it. Baker acting is in place to save your life, not punish you for feeling tired of being alive or wanting to die. So no, hiding the fact that you have these thoughts or feelings is not helping you at all in therapy- and many of us have been there before ourselves and know how dark of a place your mind can feel. Your therapist will likely be able to tell that you’re in that headspace and it will come out in therapy anyway. I encourage you to be honest with your therapist if you are having suicidal thoughts. There are different types of suicidal thoughts and baker acting you will not be the first plan in place to help support you. Plus, in order for us to help you- and for therapy to work- we need to know what is truly going on for you. Not talking about those thoughts doesn’t make them go away.
4) We really try to be present every moment of our time with you.
In any given moment in a session, we are analyzing potential patterns and meanings in the things you present to us, and we are also staying in tune with your body language and your arousal level (are you able to self-regulate your emotions or do we need to change something right now to better support you). On top of those things, we also have to be mindful of our body language to ensure we are calm and in a relaxed body; if we are not relaxed, you may pick up on that and it may interfere with the session. Additionally, yes, we do have to keep an eye on the time. So we are making every conscious effort to support you and be present and attuned to you. If you see your therapist glance away for a second or two, they are likely ensuring there is enough time for where the discussion or work is about to go, or they may be thinking or collecting their thoughts. We are still human- sometimes we realize it’s almost lunch time due to a hunger pain, or we feel temporarily distracted because the temperature in the office isn’t quite comfortable. We still focus on you though!
Overall, we very much work to serve you the best we can and we care very much. It' is often more than a job to many of us.
If you have any other questions or suggestions for me to add to this article, I’d love to hear them!
