Narcissism 101
Written by: Kally Doyle
The use of the words narcissism and related terms are on the rise today in our society. If you search #narcissist on instagram, 1.2 million posts are shown in the results; similar hashtags of #narcissisticabuse and #narcissisticabusesurvivor give 19,900 and 270,000 search results respectively. This tells us that there is a a large number of people out there who identify with having an experience with or a relationship with a narcissist. This article aims to identify what exactly is a “narcissist” and the impact of having a relationship with someone who has narcissistic tendencies or Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
Let’s start from the beginning: What is a Narcissist?
First and foremost, I think it’s important to identify that there actually is no such diagnosis as a “narcissist”. The formal and correct language is “Narcissistic Personality Disorder”, and we use it to describe an individual’s set of symptoms if they meet the criteria listed in the Diagnostic & Statistical Manual, 5th Edition. Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is diagnosed similarly to how Major Depressive Disorder, Panic Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, etc. are diagnosed- by assessing if an individual meets the criteria or not. I think it’s important to make note of this because “narcissism” has certainly become somewhat of a “buzzword” online and within society; if we are not careful in how we use the diagnostic label, we risk creating misunderstanding and circulating misinformation around the subject, which can not only present harm to those labeled as such, but also for individuals who endured abuse from an individual with true NPD. For this reason, I have included the diagnostic criteria for NPD listed below from the DSM-5:
A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and with lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood, as indicated by at least five of the following:
Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements, expects to be recognized as superior without actually completing the achievements)
Is preoccupied with fantasies of success, power, brilliance, beauty, or perfect love.
Believes that they are "special" and can only be understood by or should only associate with other special people (or institutions).
Requires excessive admiration.
Has a sense of entitlement, such as an unreasonable expectation of favorable treatment or compliance with his or her expectations).
Is exploitative and takes advantage of others to achieve their own ends.
Lacks empathy and is unwilling to identify with the needs of others.
Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of them.
Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors and attitudes
After reviewing this criteria, you may recognize some of these traits within yourself or others. It is important to note that a certain amount of narcissism is healthy, and necessary for survival (if we do not look out for ourselves and our own needs we will die). It is also important to note individuals may have some narcissistic traits but not to the level of clinically diagnosable NPD. We refer to this as someone having “narcissistic tendencies”. The difference between having narcissistic tendencies and having NPD lies within the severity & prevalence of the symptoms, as well as whether these traits truly present themselves as a long-standing pattern within an individual and how extensively these traits affect their lives and their relationships. Additionally, this is just a list of the diagnostic criteria- a trained and licensed clinical professional is needed to assess whether the individual (the client) should be diagnosed with NPD, or if another diagnosis (or none at all) is more suitable.
NPD also shares characteristics with other personality disorders, and sometimes an individual who meets the diagnostic criteria for one personality disorder meets criteria for others. I won’t get into the similarities and differences between different personality disorders in this article, as that is a lengthy discussion in and of itself- as well as whether personality disorder diagnoses should even be given.
Reading the criteria can give an idea for the type of traits professionals look for when diagnosing NPD. But what does NPD look like in real life?
Well, there are a few types of narcissism recognized in the clinical community. The DSM-5 only recognizes “NPD” as one diagnosis currently, with no particular subtypes named. However, NPD can actually present as:
1) The Classic or Gradiose Narcissist: This type of narcissism likely matches closely with the image and definition most people have been taught. It’s the person who loves to be the center of attention, is dominant in personality and in social situations, speaks very highly of themselves and their capabilities, and typically possesses aggressive tendencies. This individual aspires to be “the life of the party”, will direct all conversation back to themselves, speak highly of and/or lie about their achievements, and becomes aggressive and/or violent when challenged.
2) The Vulnerable or Covert Narcissist: This type of narcissism can be trickier to detect at first. I like to think of this type of individual as a “wolf in sheep’s clothing”. They typically are quieter, sneakier, often times more intelligent, and present more as a recluse than the grandiose type. These individuals are highly sensitive to rejection, and they will hold onto something someone says that makes them feel inferior or rejected while calculating how to “take back their power” or “get revenge” from that individual at some point in the future. They typically present as more neurotic than the grandiose narcissist, as they constantly worry about public image and how others perceive them. Any failure or mistake is taken poorly. I say that this type of narcissism can be harder to detect because this individual is less consumed with being the life of the party and is also typically less aggressive than their counterpart. If they feel someone has “wronged” them, instead of yelling or causing a scene this individual will often stonewall (completely shut out) or “ghost” that particular individual in an effort to protect themselves and “teach that individual a lesson”.
I’ve seen narcissism divided into further subtypes, but we will keep at this for now. Both types share traits in common, such as the self-centeredness, using others for ego-boosting purposes, lack of concern for others’ feelings in a situation, redirecting conversations to their achievements or experiences. Both types can leave their romantic partners struggling for a sense of security in the relationship as well as having them believe they have mental illness and are the problem in the relationship and in arguments. More on this later.
As a closing note, it may seem like an individual with narcissistic tendencies or NPD is something to be quaking in fear about encountering. I find sometimes the internet sensationalizes this disorder and these people. Please note that while it can be dangerous to find yourself in a relationship with someone with NPD, they are not non-human. These are usually individuals who have experienced some form of trauma as a young child, and they behave this way for the same reason everyone else behaves- survival.
Now that you are a little more familiar with what it looks like- What causes NPD?
This is a hotly debated topic. Including this section felt important, even though there is a not necessarily a clear-cut answer, because of what I mentioned just above. Narcissism is imperative to survival; the issue arises when it reaches a maladaptive level where one is exploiting others, losing relationships constantly, finding enemies left and right, struggling to hold employment, and suffering from other life-interfering issues. Individuals with NPD are not all the same, and they are all human beings stuck on this earth just like the rest of us. I am not defending their actions and their way of treating others, nor am I minimizing the damage they can inflict on others.
NPD is typically thought to have roots in genetics as well as early childhood experiences, such as traumatic experiences and attachment issues. For example, it is thought that a child with an overbearing or neglectful parent figure could develop a hyper-focus on himself over time in response to inconsistently or rarely having his emotional and/or physical needs met. That child, understandably so, would have trouble trusting and relating to others considering his primary attachment figures did not create feelings of safety within the relationship. If this type of treatment by the parent continued, and the child never learns to feel emotionally safe, that child would grow into a teenager and then an adult who exhibited what we clinically call a “personality disorder”. Although the diagnosis can be helpful in understanding what traits and behaviors to look out for, often times it can lead us to forget this individual has likely had childhood trauma which led them to, in both a conscious and very much unconscious way, develop these traits, behaviors, and ways of thinking because it seemed like their best option for survival.
Also of note, NPD does not actually indicate someone is “in love” with themselves. Quite the opposite is true; the self-protective part of narcissism becomes over-emphasized which looks like extreme self-obsession but is actually a sign of self-hatred, an intense “inner critic”, and depression/low-self worth.
NPD in Relationships
Narcissistic Personality disorder can cause a lot of issues in relationships. If you consider its start, which is often (at least partially) from a physically or emotionally unsafe relationship with a parent, it makes sense that the issues of this personality disorder would manifest primarily in relationships with others as an adult.
Part of meeting the criteria for NPD and personality disorders in general, is that these behaviors and characteristics are pervasive across that person’s life. This typically also means that person has very limited self-awareness about the impact of their personality; individuals with personality disorders will typically seek therapy for issues like anxiety, depression, struggling to maintain relationships, anger issues, feeling lonely, etc. versus thinking “Oh, something seems to be fundamentally wrong with my thinking, being, choices, treatment of others, etc.”. This is if they seek help at all- many do not, as you cannot perceive your way of relating to others may be the problem if it’s been the only thing that has helped you survive.
That being said, entering any type of relationship with limited to no level of self-awareness is never a healthy thing for the relationship. In someone without NPD, they have likely at some point in their life felt like “taking some time away from relationships” in order to focus on their own healing in hopes of bettering themselves for the next relationship. This results in individuals usually having some awareness of their faults as well as their special qualities they bring to relationships. An individual with NPD skips this step. They jump from relationship to relationship, or hang on infinitely to one partner as that person desperately tries to separate themselves from them, because they do not realize the problem is themselves. They often present with codependency issues because even the thought of being alone is enough to scare them to death (though they will never admit it).
Unfortunately, just because the individual with NPD is not aware of how badly they treat others, does not mean it is not the reality. Unless the individual with NPD is actively working to understand themselves better and work through their past trauma (through therapy), they present a major harm risk to those they date, work with, marry, parent, and more. If the individual has grandiose narcissism, they may become physically abusive as their fits of rage continue to escalate. In both types of narcissism, emotional abuse and manipulation occurs. The individual with NPD often begins with small, undetectable lies about trivial matters and as the relationship continues, they evolve into using more severe forms of abuse such as gaslighting (intentionally provoking their partner then blaming the partner for having a reaction), lying, stonewalling and ghosting (leaving for days or shutting off the communication in the relationship for days).
Relationships with an individual with NPD go through 3 stages: idealization, devaluing, and discarding. The relationship often begins very intensely, with dramatic declarations of love and constant showering of affection (also known as lovebombing). As the partner becomes flattered and more attached, and the relationship grows, the individual with NPD begins to realize their partner is not perfect and they grow bored and insecure. The relationship may also fluctuate between these first two stages until it reaches the final stage of discarding. The term “discarding” is appropriate as it’s not a mutual conversation of why things are not working out or possibly working on things together; it is the individual deciding they are done with your imperfections and they swiftly move onto idealizing the next potential partner, if they have not already been doing so behind their other partner’s back.
Long-lasting effects of being in a relationship with a person like this can include anxiety issues, depression, living in fear (especially if stalking was involved), development of PTSD or other trauma responses, trouble forming new relationships, intense feelings of self-blame & self-doubt, and having to pick up the pieces of their life that were ruined by this individual (job status, relationships with friends or family, financial status, and more).
Sounds horrifying, right? It is. Survivors of these relationships are tough, resilient people. It often takes them a while to realize this, but with therapy and support it is most definitely possible to recover.
It is debated whether a relationship with an individual with NPD can be successful, to which I would argue that if this individual is working through their own issues in therapy and is making active efforts to practice empathy it very well might be possible. Unfortunately, this seems to be very uncommon behavior in those living with NPD.
I recognize I moved very quickly through NPD as a whole and the harm it can bring to others. However, my intention was to provide a brief introduction to narcissism and NPD, its relationship to trauma responses, and how it negatively affects relationships and often leaves the other person confused, heartbroken, and traumatized. There is a ton of information to be discussed and shared regarding NPD, and I recommend seeking the help of a qualified professional if you believe you may meet the criteria for NPD or believe yourself to be in a relationship with someone with NPD.
References
American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed.).
