Social Media & its Effects on Our Happiness in Relationships

Written by: Kally Doyle

Many of us have a love/hate relationship with social media. Some of us probably have tried to set limits on our social media usage only to eventually log back on and get sucked back into it. Many of us recognize that spending hours scrolling through Instagram, Facebook, Reddit, or watching countless Tik-Toks doesn’t seem to leave us feeling confident, happy, & secure in ourselves. I’d like to spend some time exploring not only why that is, but also addressing how excessive social media usage is contributing to many individuals struggling to find & maintain healthy relationships in real life.

Social media has been such a revolutionary tool in many ways. It allows us to keep in contact with friends who have moved across the country or even the world, it provides a means for us to update friends and family on our life without having to call or write to every single person individually. It also has become a necessity in marketing- especially for those whose businesses are strictly online (like myself!). Furthermore, the variety of platforms offer ways for individuals to share their creativity with the world and social media also allows us to find others with similar interests who we likely would never have had the chance to meet in-person due to distance.

However, social media has also had a profound effect on how we view ourselves, what type of information we have access to about others, and ultimately how we relate to others. If you use social media, you have likely found yourself making judgements about another person’s posts or life updates. These judgements range from harmless and minuscule “Oh, so-and-so looks so happy in her new relationship” or “Wow, so-and-so finally graduated with their medical degree; good for them!” to more intense thoughts and feelings. I would imagine most of us have, at some point, caught ourselves “lurking” on someone’s page and noticing some envy and/or thoughts of comparison coming up. “Influencers” often become so popular because they post content that evokes jealousy, obsession, lust, or inspiration to live a similar lifestyle to what they appear to live. We follow celebrities because we find ourselves drawn to their characters in shows/movies, or drawn to their fashion style or attractive appearance.

The harm in this is relatively straight forward at first: too much investment in a pre-selected viewing of someone’s best moments in life often leads to comparison. We follow an account for “relationship inspo” but find ourselves feeling sad about ourselves every time that person posts a lovey-dovey couple’s photo and caption. We follow a celebrity because we like their sense of humor, their movies, and their style only to find ourselves reflecting on how our skin is never as smooth as theirs appears to be or our body is never as in-shape as theirs is in every post. Even worse, nowadays apps for editing one’s entire body exist and their use is becoming more and more widespread, especially among celebrities and influencers. Some of us who have knowledge of these apps, i.e. Facetune, are aware of just how subtle the editing can be and how one can even edit their body in videos (which is crazy!). However, many of us don’t know about these apps & edits (no surprise that celebrities do not advertise their use of them) and so we have no clue that the beautiful picture we are looking at is almost entirely false. People can change their face shape, facial features, body proportions, skin tone, and so much more. On top of filters and editing apps, many influencers and celebrities have extensive cosmetic enhancements, such as lip fillers and more, and since they do not talk about them, we assume its natural beauty we are seeing and do not understand why we look so different. Since the majority of celebrities and influencers do not own up to editing or plastic surgery/cosmetic enhancements, we have no way of knowing that they often don’t even look like the image they are posting. Even if we are aware someone edits and has had cosmetic procedures, exposure to so many edited posts and accounts can contribute to more negative thoughts about our own appearance or perceived flaws, as well as add some pressure to consider procedures for ourselves (Note: this is not hate directed towards plastic surgery or cosmetic enhancements, nor towards those who choose to undergo it. This is a discussion of possible effects of consistent exposure to edited photos without knowledge of editing or enhancements being present).

Obviously if we find ourselves comparing to posts online, with or without enhancements/editing, the danger lies within forgetting that we are not meant to live a life exactly like someone else’s nor are we meant to look like someone else. Furthermore, we are basing that desire on a tiny snapshot of someone’s life- most people do not choose to post their problems or insecurities online, but all of us have them.

So how does this affect the quality of our relationships?

Building on the principle of comparison, looking at others’ highlight reels & best moments can cause us to feel inadequate or to feel like we are missing out on something. If I am constantly looking at accounts where the individual posts pictures of themselves dressed up and having fun as a single woman out on the town, I may begin to doubt being in a relationship is what I want because it doesn’t feel as spontaneous and glamorous as this woman’s life looks to be. Over time I may begin to resent my partner for “holding me back”, or “never doing fun things with me” and this may eventually lead to the destruction of the relationship. What I did not realize though was that this woman is only posting one tiny part of her nights out, and maybe the rest of her nights out consistent of feeling lonely, being bored, etc. I ended up basing a life choice on a perception and judgement that was not even reality for that woman online.

I would also suggest there is a conscious process as well as an unconscious portion to this. I may not look at someone’s Instagram or Facebook and immediately and actively begin to resent my partner or my friends for not meeting the expectations those images start to give me. I may think something more along the lines of “That looks so fun; I wish I could do that” or “She is so pretty; I wish my nose looked like that”, which over time may begin to take its toll on my self-esteem and my relationships. If my partner does not consistently take photos kissing my cheek like so-and-so posts online, eventually I may find myself feeling my partner is inadequate or is doing something wrong; I may also begin to think my relationship is not as happy as it should be because it does not seem to match with what others are posting online.

I also have noticed that social media has been contributing to expectations of perfection in romantic relationships. Many people post highlights of their relationships, or they post themselves in a new relationship every few months, and it begins to shift our mindset that a relationship is not a team effort, but more of a self-serving experience. Because relationship problems are left out of social media posts, we may begin to think they don’t exist for those couples and therefore we should leave our current partner in search of a new, “better” one. The problem is, of course, we end up disappointed again and again as we hunt for the “perfect relationship”, and we may end up hurting others in the process. Chasing the social media “perfection” can lead to a decreased experience of empathy for others and the focus becomes more on finding someone who can give that unrealistic expectation to us without paying attention to the effects our actions have on those involved. This is especially true for those who are young adults or teenagers using social media; these individuals likely haven’t had a long-term relationship experience so they do not understand the different types of hurdles couples have to work through and are unfortunately not learning through social media about healthy communication, healthy problem-solving, and how to have a healthy framework for building relationships. The implications of this may be that these young people leave relationships the first time adversity or stress is experienced as they have been led to believe a desirable relationship has none.

Overall, I think social media contributes to unrealistic expectations for relationships as well as potentially leading to shorter-term relationships. Comparison can lead to an unconscious shift in our perception of the reality of relationships, which can hinder learning how to work through real-life issues. It can lead to us wanting to put a partner on a pedestal too quickly, or contribute to commitment issues because we end up chasing a notion of perfectionism and bliss that does not exist, no matter how great our partner is.

If you have found yourself struggling to commit in your relationships, comparing you & your partner to relationships you see online, or feeling inadequate after looking at social media portrayals of others and their relationships, I would suggest “cleaning up” your feed (not looking at accounts that cause you to feel bad about yourself), limiting social media time in a realistic & healthy way, and also seeking additional help and support from a therapist. I also would recommend not taking relationship advice from social media accounts or from individuals who have not been in a long-term relationship themselves. Every relationship is fun, easy, & passion-filled at the start; a healthy, long-standing relationship involves individuals who are willing and able to change together & separately over time while also working as a team and supporting each other through adversity and through good. Social media is not all bad, but it is important to recognize that it appears to be influencing our happiness levels in our relationships.